I saw this book on Oprah and made sure my mom and I both had a copy. Reading it, it becomes clear to me that there are a lot of similarities and things I recognize; So I decided to share these excerpts.
Page:48/49
"I am feeling contented in this romantic scene, even if I am all by myself, while everyone else in the park is either fondling a lover or playing with a laughing child. But I stop to lean against a balustrade and watch the sunset, and I get to thinking a little too much, and then my thinking turns to brooding, and that's when they catch up with me.
They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton detectives, and they flank me -- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. Though I admit that I am surprised to meet them in this elegant Italian garden at dusk. This is no place they belong.
I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wise guy, says , "What -- you're not happy to see us?"
"Go away," I tell him.
Loneliness the more sensitive cop, says, "I'm sorry, ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're travelling. It's my assignment."
"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.
Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I always dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually....
Page:68/69
That's almost two solid decades I've been entwined in some kind of drama with some kind of guy. Each overlapping the next, with never so much as a week's breather in between. And I can't help but think that's been something of a liability on my path to maturity.
Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear in the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time -- everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.
I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it's always been.
...................
Dear God, I could use a little break from this cycle, to give myself some space to discover what I look like and talk like when I'm not trying to merge with someone. And also, let's be honest -- it might be a generous public service for me to leave intimacy alone for a while. When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn't look so good. It's been one catastrophe after another. How many more different types of men can I keep trying to love, and continue to fail? Think of it this way -- if you'd had ten serious traffic accidents in a row, wouldn't they eventually take your driver's license away? Wouldn't you kind of want them to?
There's a final reason I'm hesitant to get involved with someone else. I still happen to be in love with David, and I don't think that's fair to the next guy. I don't even know if David and I are totally broken up yet. We were still hanging around each other a lot before I left for Italy, though we hadn't slept together in a long time. But we were still admitting that we both harbored hopes that maybe someday...
I don't know.
maandag 14 februari 2011
donderdag 28 oktober 2010
by Sidney Eileen | How to Floss a Corset
A tutorial on flossing:
by Sidney Eileen | How to Floss a Corset
by Sidney Eileen | How to Floss a Corset
woensdag 20 oktober 2010
I thought this would be just another blog....
I thought this would be just another blog randomly filled with the little amount of time I have to make costumes and corsets amongst other things. But I realize it's probably more usefull to use it as a personal blog.
See, things have been hectic and not very happily continuing on the home front. The man I thought I had a relationship with, turned out to be poison. He's rude, unclean, mean and is always in the negative. He lied to me, he lies to me and he is lazy as well.
I have been supportive, understanding and patient, not to mention I have paid for everything, but after two years of having nothing to show for it I am dead tired of it. After he screwed up what was supposed to be a succes for a wedding and me dealing with the aftermath.... something just broke inside of me. His selfishness came well shining through and I've been catching more glimpses of it all the time. For instance, he wanted me to purchase him a book, it was close to my birthday and my birthday gift to myself was a better steamiron -- it had a discount and my mother helped me pay for it -- as I told him there was no money for this book he wanted he replied aggrevated "but there was money for your birthday gift!" No such thing as an apology afterwards from him or even a thought about what he said may be wrong!
On the other hand my ex-boyfriend lied to me about his income and the government support based on the income of both partners came back to me after a year telling he made about 2,5 times what he said he made-- and correspondingly tributed to the household-- so I had to pay all of it back! Not just that, he didn't register at his new address so I have to fight the government tax department to prove he moved out in April and not August.
But that will soon change, because I am going to a lawyer and he will have to cough up the money, or at the very least half of it.
In the meanwhile he's partying spending his money as soon as it gets in, I read on a mutual befriended journal, and I'm trying to keep my head above water with two teenage children to provide for.
Saying that, I have a job since February and also had started my post-traumatic stress medication since then. The whole ordeal with this screwing up the order, wanting me to deliver it and not be around himself to get possibly scolded (isn't that nice wanting me to take full blow of the reaction to his work), or not deliver it at all and the huge shouting parties waking up the children in the middle of the night.... I had no time or change to get really angry, because I feel I had every right to be, but I needed him to finish the job. I even tried and helped out as much as I could, which was not very appreciated either and cost me a couple days of sleep.
I was also supposed to have patterns, a patternline, after 2 years I have not one pattern to show for it. I bought a table, books, special rolls of paper, drawing materials, all which he claimed to have needed to be able to start on these patterns. This was beginning of 2010.
He got the idea of writing a book, and granted he can sell himself as long as he can be all talk. He got a publisher interested. Mind you before he met me he had not even considered tailoring nor patternmaking, I have bought nearly everything he owns. He likes to go around and add some years to his experience, he's not afraid of lying to make himself look better. Which I really hate since it is because of my circle of friends and acquintances he got ahead in the first place.
The manuscript was due in April, but ofcourse it was not, like anything with a deadline, he cannot manage his time between browsing the internet, watching youtube, writing on forums and watching tv... oh and smoking ofcourse. I stopped him playing World of Warcraft because that was becoming one of his daily activities.
By June he was freaking out telling me he had to have the manuscript done now or they would cancel the entire thing and we would have to pay back the advance. Only later do I come to find out he's been on some kind of new kick, concerning Hinduism and spending his time browsing, searching, reading, forumming on that subject matter instead of writing his book.... so he nearly screwed me over once more for a lot of money. Never mind the fact that he likes to twist things around, also on the blog he is keeping on his new found religion. I've never called Hinduism silly, nor has he been Hindu for 5 years, if he'd told me so he could've stayed in the USA and I wouldn't have been out the ticket price... which he would pay me back half, but then only arrived with 30 dollars to his name.
Oh I probably also forgot to mention he's got three kids in the States, two of which want to find him because he owes childsupport to their mother. He even suggestedwe I pay for it.... I wonder if he's in his right mind thinking I'm going to pay his arrears from the child support I receive??? I mean really.
Since I work a near fulltime job, he's supposedly helping out in the household, but he isn't. Doing dishes is the one thing I expect him to do, since I do the groceries, pay for the bills, do the laundry, deal with the webshop, get up every morning even if I worked late the night before to prepare breakfast and lunch for the children, in fact I even make dinner more then half of the time...
He does the dishes, but usually only part of it, of only what I need to use to make dinner... he doesn't clear of the table or do vacuming or anything else.
It's a miracle if he gets out of bed before noon. I went as far as putting a time lock on the internet, or he'd be behind my computer the entire night and sleep until 3 the next day. I've been offering to get him paying jobs, like doing a newspaper round, cleaning at people's houses... but he feels he's above that. He means he's not above living out of my pocket.
I'm sick of this situation, I'm not getting hopes up of finally getting patterns and he may get a job in France and leaving, but if not this has got to end. I feel like I'm supporting a leech, and I'm tired of bleeding!
xxx
See, things have been hectic and not very happily continuing on the home front. The man I thought I had a relationship with, turned out to be poison. He's rude, unclean, mean and is always in the negative. He lied to me, he lies to me and he is lazy as well.
I have been supportive, understanding and patient, not to mention I have paid for everything, but after two years of having nothing to show for it I am dead tired of it. After he screwed up what was supposed to be a succes for a wedding and me dealing with the aftermath.... something just broke inside of me. His selfishness came well shining through and I've been catching more glimpses of it all the time. For instance, he wanted me to purchase him a book, it was close to my birthday and my birthday gift to myself was a better steamiron -- it had a discount and my mother helped me pay for it -- as I told him there was no money for this book he wanted he replied aggrevated "but there was money for your birthday gift!" No such thing as an apology afterwards from him or even a thought about what he said may be wrong!
On the other hand my ex-boyfriend lied to me about his income and the government support based on the income of both partners came back to me after a year telling he made about 2,5 times what he said he made-- and correspondingly tributed to the household-- so I had to pay all of it back! Not just that, he didn't register at his new address so I have to fight the government tax department to prove he moved out in April and not August.
But that will soon change, because I am going to a lawyer and he will have to cough up the money, or at the very least half of it.
In the meanwhile he's partying spending his money as soon as it gets in, I read on a mutual befriended journal, and I'm trying to keep my head above water with two teenage children to provide for.
Saying that, I have a job since February and also had started my post-traumatic stress medication since then. The whole ordeal with this screwing up the order, wanting me to deliver it and not be around himself to get possibly scolded (isn't that nice wanting me to take full blow of the reaction to his work), or not deliver it at all and the huge shouting parties waking up the children in the middle of the night.... I had no time or change to get really angry, because I feel I had every right to be, but I needed him to finish the job. I even tried and helped out as much as I could, which was not very appreciated either and cost me a couple days of sleep.
I was also supposed to have patterns, a patternline, after 2 years I have not one pattern to show for it. I bought a table, books, special rolls of paper, drawing materials, all which he claimed to have needed to be able to start on these patterns. This was beginning of 2010.
He got the idea of writing a book, and granted he can sell himself as long as he can be all talk. He got a publisher interested. Mind you before he met me he had not even considered tailoring nor patternmaking, I have bought nearly everything he owns. He likes to go around and add some years to his experience, he's not afraid of lying to make himself look better. Which I really hate since it is because of my circle of friends and acquintances he got ahead in the first place.
The manuscript was due in April, but ofcourse it was not, like anything with a deadline, he cannot manage his time between browsing the internet, watching youtube, writing on forums and watching tv... oh and smoking ofcourse. I stopped him playing World of Warcraft because that was becoming one of his daily activities.
By June he was freaking out telling me he had to have the manuscript done now or they would cancel the entire thing and we would have to pay back the advance. Only later do I come to find out he's been on some kind of new kick, concerning Hinduism and spending his time browsing, searching, reading, forumming on that subject matter instead of writing his book.... so he nearly screwed me over once more for a lot of money. Never mind the fact that he likes to twist things around, also on the blog he is keeping on his new found religion. I've never called Hinduism silly, nor has he been Hindu for 5 years, if he'd told me so he could've stayed in the USA and I wouldn't have been out the ticket price... which he would pay me back half, but then only arrived with 30 dollars to his name.
Oh I probably also forgot to mention he's got three kids in the States, two of which want to find him because he owes childsupport to their mother. He even suggested
Since I work a near fulltime job, he's supposedly helping out in the household, but he isn't. Doing dishes is the one thing I expect him to do, since I do the groceries, pay for the bills, do the laundry, deal with the webshop, get up every morning even if I worked late the night before to prepare breakfast and lunch for the children, in fact I even make dinner more then half of the time...
He does the dishes, but usually only part of it, of only what I need to use to make dinner... he doesn't clear of the table or do vacuming or anything else.
It's a miracle if he gets out of bed before noon. I went as far as putting a time lock on the internet, or he'd be behind my computer the entire night and sleep until 3 the next day. I've been offering to get him paying jobs, like doing a newspaper round, cleaning at people's houses... but he feels he's above that. He means he's not above living out of my pocket.
I'm sick of this situation, I'm not getting hopes up of finally getting patterns and he may get a job in France and leaving, but if not this has got to end. I feel like I'm supporting a leech, and I'm tired of bleeding!
xxx
donderdag 9 september 2010
To Blog or not to Blog?
Because several of my friends have forsaken LiveJournal I've decided to try and up keep a blog, just to stay on top of things.
If it seems like there's not much new going on.... nudge me, because besides having a full time job, a webshop selling corset and dressmaking supplies on the side, two teenage boys... I dabble between making costumes or playing WoW on my time off, and the time off is limited at best.
Most of my creative inhibitions can be found on DeviantArt.
If it seems like there's not much new going on.... nudge me, because besides having a full time job, a webshop selling corset and dressmaking supplies on the side, two teenage boys... I dabble between making costumes or playing WoW on my time off, and the time off is limited at best.
Most of my creative inhibitions can be found on DeviantArt.
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